Is my house a Strong house
Joshua 24:15
Introduction: This weekend we
celebrate Valentines Day, a day for husbands and wives to remind each other how
much they love one another. It is appropriate for husbands and wives to
celebrate their marriage among themselves, but too often today we are loosing
sight of the home, our families. As our focus turns toward Valentines day and our love for our spouses lets also look at our
households and think about the question Joshua ask, As for my house? A loving
home must be a fortress, and not a façade. In order to ensure this we need to
look at a few things this morning.
Here’s some things strong homes have in common:
1. A Strong sense of Commitment
Seems obvious, right? But what a relaxed attitude people enter into marriage
with today. “If it works, fine, if it doesn’t, fine…I’m sure it will…I like
him/her!”
Commitment is “the assurance from husband and wife that this family will stay
together, value each other, for a lifetime, no matter what.” Whatever we face, we
face together (challenges). Strong, committed marriages take the following words,
and carve them into their homes: I’m committed to you, no matter what. And they
take the word “divorce” out of their hearts.
Mom and Dad, there’s two ways you can teach commitment to a child:
1. You can teach commitment by teaching children they are a blessing, not a
burden. This generation of children has been labeled, the unwanted generation.
TV today sends the message that children are an unwanted expense, an interference
with careers, or an untimely accident. There are no mistakes, accidents, or
surprises w/ God. The abortionist claims there’s a clear difference between an
unborn child and one that’s been born…try explaining that to a child who is looking for relevance!
2. You can teach commitment by letting them know they are loved
unconditionally. We live in an achievement oriented society. Where significance
equals performance and importance equals ability, and where self-worth equals
achievement. Sorry to say, that mindset has crept into many homes.
Parents, do your kids know that there’s nothing they can do to be more loved, because
they’re already loved with a measureless love? There is nothing they can do to
be more accepted, because they’re already totally accepted? There is nothing
they can do to be more valued, because they’re already infinitely valued?
Nothing will alienate a child more than making them work for something that
should be given free such as love, acceptance, and self-worth.
If you raise a child on conditional love, to some degree, always feeling like
they have to do something to make you proud of them, you will almost always
wind up with one of two results when they’re grown:
1. Workaholic who never feels adequate, but quite self-conscious.
2. A quitter, who just gives up all-together. “I can’t please dad/mom, so I’ve
decided not to even try.”
“But, aren’t I supposed to motivate my child?” Yes.
“Aren’t I supposed to encourage them on to excellence?” Yes.
“Don’t I want them to reach their full potential?” Yes.
The key is: What are you using to motivate them?
Never motivate on the basis of love and acceptance/treatment…they must be given
freely.
Never motivate on how they compare to others… “Johnny can do it, why can’t
you…try harder!”
Motivate on the basis of THEIR best.
Did you know you can love your child, even if he/she has done something
terribly wrong? You can love them, even when you’re disgusted w/ their
attitude…even if they embarrass you out in public!
I’m convinced that some people who claim to be motivating their child for the
child’s sake are actually doing it for their own sake… “so
I’m not embarrassed, so I can be proud of you, so no one thinks less of you
because they would then think less of me!” Parents like that were no doubt raised
that way themselves. Hey, it’s time to break this
cycle!
Ask yourself this question: Do my children know they are a blessing, not a
burden? Do they know they’re loved unconditionally, and there’s nothing they
can do to make me love them more or less?
That’s commitment. It’s the first thing strong families have in common.
Couples: commitment to each other is just the same! It is unconditional, full
of true motivation, true commitment to one another.
2. A Strong Sense of Communion
In a recent survey, 1,500 children were asked, what makes a family happy?
Over 90% gave the same answer. It wasn’t a big house or lots of money…it was
“doing things together”.
Are we talking quality time or quantity time? Actually Both!
One of the biggest false bill of goods we’re being
sold these days is that it doesn’t matter how much time you spend, just make it
quality time! Here is a headline for you, it does matter. Time together [for
husband/wife or entire family] is how you get to know each other, really know
each other in a deep way, where you can eventually see right into the heart
just by looking into the eyes, and where you can tell there is a problem right
away!
Is your child shy or confident? A leader or a follower?
What are their interests? What do they want to be someday? Who is their best
friend, and why is this person their best friend?
Some of you may draw a blank at some of those questions, and the reason is how
busy we are these days…we’re not spending enough time together.
Children spell love TIME / Men, you can say “love”, can
you demonstrate love by spending time with your wife. Women can you say “love”
can you demonstrate love by devoting undivided time to your husband?
Time with family says to them, They are a priority, I
love you!
There’s no substitute for time spent together. You can’t neglect them for months, and then make up for it by taking them to
Shoot baskets/rake leaves/read a book/take them along on a trip to Wal-Mart! (they’ll just slow me down) Yes! And that’s what we need, to
slow down, and experience life together!
That’s communion.
3. A Strong Sense of Communication
This applies to the marriage relationship as well as parent/child.
By the way, what are you majoring in? “Communications” Unfortunately, he
learned his communication skills at home, where his mom asked his dad lots of
questions like that, w/ the same kind of monotone, one-word replies.
Strong families are held together by good communication. Communication is
discussing the troubles of your heart…opening the windows of your soul at
times, sharing your feelings.
Zig Ziglar tells the story
of a lady who went to her pastor because she wanted a divorce from her husband.
“do you have any grounds?”…3 acres outside of town,
you’ve been there!
“no, I mean, do you have a grudge?”…no, a carport
“no, like, does your husband beat you up?”…no, I’m up at 6, an hour before him!
“oh my, I’m saying, do you have a case?”…no, we’ve got
a John Deere!
“ma’am, I’m trying to ask, are you and your husband having an
troubles?”…oh yes, lots of troubles… “like what?”…He just
can’t communicate! Communication is a 2 way street…being a good listener is just
as important as being a good speaker!
Very quickly this morning, there are
seven “B’s” of good listening:
1. Be observant. You listen with your eyes as much as your ears…look at each
other, show you’re listening.
2. Be available. Communication is like fishing…it
doesn’t do much good to go when it’s convenient, to catch fish, you have to go when
they’re biting.
This is true with families, when the spouse needs to talk or the child needs to
talk or the teen needs to talk, its important, be available.
3. Be considerate. It’s amazing how considerate we are
to others, but how rude we can be to our own family members. If we interrupted
at work like we do at home, we’d be sent home permanently! Would you walk away
or ignore you supervisor at work? Reputation with others is something we
usually put a high value on, but our reputation within our own family may not
be held nearly as high.
A husband was told by the marriage counselor to try and be nice to
his wife. One day he comes home from work. He’s dressed up in a suit, he has
cologne on, he has a bouquet of flowers and a box of
candy in his hands. He’s
trying to make a good impression. The wife says, "Oh, I can’t believe it!
Little
Johnny has been throwing up; the dishwasher just broke; your parents are
coming to visit this weekend and to top it all off, you come home drunk!
4. Be demonstrative. I’m talking about being
physical…hugs, kisses, affection not intimacy [I am taking about you spouse].
5. Be wise. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes!
Learn to attack the problem, not the person. Ladies: nagging is not
communicating! (not one man said Amen, bunch of
cowards! Don’t leave me hangin’ here!) Bringing up
past offenses is not wise! (joke—guy says, every time
my wife and I fight she gets historical. “you mean
hysterical?” No, historical…she brings back everything I’ve ever done since we
got married.) And before I get into too much trouble…Men, sarcasm will get you
nowhere! (and my wife says, Amen!) Be Wise; Learn to work as a team.
6. Be an example. Parents, it’s a fact…I hope you’re
not 90 before you realize that we don’t get what we want, we get what we ARE!
Do you know what Percentage of American teens say they want to be like their
parents: 39%.
Children who see physical violence between their parents are six times more
likely to abuse their own spouses after they marry. If those children were also
hit by their parents as teenagers, they are 12 times more likely to abuse their
spouses. This applies to male and female equally.
7. Be courageous. The main reason we don’t communicate
is fear…we’re simply afraid of what we might hear! We’re afraid to make
ourselves vulnerable, so instead, just blurt out how it’s going to be, like it
or lump it!
Marriage counselors say over half of all divorces are the result of poor
communication, and that if they could have just learned to talk, they could
have saved their marriage.
So, strong families have a strong sense of commitment. They have communion
[they spend time together]. They have good communication, [they appropriately express
themselves well].
4. A Strong Sense of Coping
skills.
A young husband was a henpecked and he was going to a psychiatrist about
the problem. The doctor told him, "You don’t have to let your wife bully
you! Go home and show her you’re the boss! The young man got home, slammed the
door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, "From now on, you’re
taking orders from ME! When I get home from work, I want my supper ON the
table.
I want my clothes laid out.
I will be going out with the boys.
You will be staying home.
And another thing.
Do you know who’s going to tie my tie?
She replied, “Yeah, The undertaker!”
Don’t rely on the advice of the world to Bring peace
into your home.
Families that have strong coping skills have the ability to solve problems together, and always see the big picture. Don’t ever think
that problem families break up, and that other families don’t. Broken families
have very little to do with problems. All families have problems. Break-ups
have to do with poor problem solving.
My family has problems, your family/Christian families/Adam and Eve had
problems…
--Adam would come home from work, and she would start counting his ribs… “just checking!”
They had their problems together, and even suffered the consequences together
(driven out in a fury)
--Adam and kids walked by garden…kids say, what’s that, dad? “That’s where your
mother ate us out of house and home!"
Not all families respond to problems the same way. Do you know the Chinese
language does not have letters, it has symbols? And the symbol which means
crisis can also mean opportunity, depending upon the context. One family can
have a problem and see it as a crisis, and another family can have exactly the
same problem, and see it as an opportunity.
Someone said, the best present God gives to His
children is wrapped in problems. The bigger the problem, the bigger the
present…if you’re willing to unwrap it!
How we respond to our problems will make or break us! We’ve got to learn to
attack our problems together, instead of attacking each other.
So, strong homes have commitment, communion, communication, coping skills, and…
5. A Strong Sense of
Consecration.
There’s no way to
have a strong family without giving God first place. And we have to teach this
to our children. Kids watch carefully…what we’re like at church, and at home.[Don’t be churchy, be Christian]
A study once disclosed that if both Mom and Dad attend church regularly, 72% of
their children remain faithful. If only Dad, 55% remain faithful. If only Mom,
15%. If neither attended regularly, only 6% remain faithful. The statistics
speak for themselves--the example of parents and adults is more important than
all the efforts of the church and Sunday School.
And that’s just the outward spirituality. If you want your family to explode, then make sure it’s the real thing when no one is looking.
Make sure your spouse sees the same person in the car when you leave church as
you were minutes ago in the pew. Character is what you do when no one is
looking…but you cannot hide anything from your family…make sure your
spouse/children see the real thing consistently, and not just a show for
others.
Ill.—wife: “I wish you cared as much for me as you do your dog…you talk sweet
to him, pet him, and care for his needs.”
In the same way, many of us want our friends, fellow church members, etc., to
think of us in a certain way…but we need to realize our family sees who we are
and if we’re a phony.
God deserves our consecration in private just as well as in public! He knows
who we really are!
There’s nothing greater our children can see in us, than that we know God and
He knows us!
Conclusion: Let’s remember the 5 C’s
that will help us build a strong family that will stand up to the struggles of
this life:
Commitment, to each other no matter what
Communion—time together, quality and quantity
Communication—God makes 2 into 1 so let’s get on the same page and really share
Coping—attack the problem, not the person
Consecration—be the genuine Christian!